Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty i'm free at last!

I'm moving!!! Yes again lol. I have moved every year since I was 18, I can't stop the tradition now hehe. Wow my life has been so crazy lately. I have so many things I need to vent about, but this isn't usually the best place for that. People read this and then start drama.

One of my cats had her babies (for all of you who don't know I have started breeding Ragdoll cats), they are so cute! One boy and on girl. If anyone is interested in purchasing one let me know.

I have gone through so many changes in the world of my "friends". One whom I thought was one of my best friends for while, Turns out I was terribly wrong. The things that this person has said to me, about me, to other people, and having other people say to me are things I wouldn't say to anyone I considered a friend. SO that friendship is over. Then there are a couple of other people I was just getting close with, well turns out that those "friendships" were a big waste of time because they turned out to be terrible people as well. I mean seriously who prank calls people at 2am, YOU NEED TO GET A LIFE! I have started hanging out with Tonia a lot again. We were best friends for awhile then sorta lost touch and now we are close again. It's nice. The people that are truly good people and people that are meant to be in your life will always come back to you. I'm really at a point in my life where I hold friendship as one of the most important things in my life. So I am going though a process of figuring out who is really a good friend and who isn't. The ones that bring me down or don't add anything positive to my life are ones I don't need.

Well with that said I'm off to go poop. LOL HOLLA!!!!!!

Oh goodness where do I start????

So Sunday was the white party. I ended up going to Tilt. I couldn't drink too much cuz I had to drive so I only had a couple. I was standing near the dance floor and some older guy asked me if he could buy me a drink and I never pass up free booze, so I was like sure. So I know not to just except random drinks from people cuz they could drug them and such (which sadly happens a lot at the gay bar). So I was trying to watch him buy my drink but I lost view of him... SO then he comes back and hands me the drink and everything inside me told me not to drink it, but of course I ignore my conscience and drink it anyways. So I was up dancing and making out with a friend and all of a sudden it hit me. I felt really dizzy and not right, so I left the bar and rushed home. Now I can't say for sure I was drugged, but with that said there is no way that I could black out from only having 3 drinks. Sure enough though after I got home I had a panic attack cuz I thought I was gonna die. I called my mom and said some crazy ass things to her apparently (non of which I remember), and then passed out on my bed in my full attire from the evening.


So a couple days later I'm hanging out with my friend Jessica. We were at spot and we got this funny idea to make a flyer. It was all in good fun. See there is this certain group of people in rochester. Some of the people in the group I was friends with and not to mention I was a part of this group when it first originated and was fun (before it became an on going joke). So anyways every time I'm out this "cult" of people are out. Well a lot of people in the city don't like a lot of the people in the group, and a lot of people in the city don't understand what they really are trying to accomplish. They spread messages of love, truth, and joy. But as everyone who knows these people all they do is sit at the bar and ridicule, and mock people out. They are very hypocritical if you ask me. Well so anyways jessica and me get this idea to make a lil club of our own just for fun. So we make this stupid little flyer thinking nothing of it. Well jessica and dan post the flyer on thier myspace accounts and oh lord you would have thought we killed this "cults" cult leader or something cuz they all flipped out. After the pictire was posted and the cult saw it, I woke up the next morning with all these death threats, some saying "im gonna smash your face in", some said "watch your back" and then they also posted all these malicious comments on my page. Mind you I didn't even post the damn flyer. Now for anyone to make any sort of threat to someone just because of a poster is more than a ppreposterous action and sad to me. Then this story that Jess and I wrote also was posted. Now I hafta say it's the funniest thing ever written LOL. But the "cult" reposted it, I guess thinking they were going to get some sympathy or something. Well the reaction I got was more than amazing. I have recieved sever thank you letters, and instant messages from people thanking me for writing it. People were saying to me that from my story, maybe the "cult" will finally realize their a joke. It was pretty amazing to see how many people actually read the story and felt exactly the same way as me. Thanks for all the support you know who you are, and Jess and I really feel we owe it to our fans to write more storys and continue to spread the word of "honesty" "fondness" and "ecstasy" hahahaha. I will prolly recieve more hate letters and death threats for writing this but guess what its my journal and if you don't like it then don't fucking read it.

So On tuesday I went to a party with becky. OH MY GOD. Can I just tell you, I hav't been to party like that in awhile (just lame ones with bad food/music). I havn't had that much fun in so long. It was CRAZY! Even though some boy sorta took advantage of my drunken state, it was a good night. But now at least I know even at a "straight" party there are guys there that arn't so str8. And its not smart to go places alone with them when they say they want to "talk". LOL.


There are some more things that happened this week but I'm just going to leave you with these few stories. HOLLA! haha.

I havn't updated in awhile. I don't really have much to say. The past few days have been really good. I was at the bar last night and ran into Michael and Louis, We were at Tilt and it was lame, so we went over to Rj's, which was just as lame. So Then we left there and went back to Tilt. Michael and I talked about our boy problems and we both have the same view on men and relationships. Which is very rare because a lot of people don't have that view. It was nice to have someone understand where im coming from for once. Im glad him and I are friends again. We had a bit of a "fallnig out" a few months back and even after we both apologized we weren't really back to normal. But now I feel like it's back to the way it was. Tonights the white party at Tilt. I wish I could find a DD so I could get drunk and have a great time, but either everyone is already going with smoenone else, or not going at all. So I guess it's another solo night for Timmie. I don't mind though, I always run into several people that I know. I will try and update more but lately my life hasn't been really that exciting, nothin to really take the time and write about.

Well you were all right, so you can all say "told you so". 'you know who' has decided that we arn't going to be getting back together and then stoped talking to me all together. It's happend so many times now that I don't even know how to react. I think it's for the best though. I just spoke to him last night, we are at least going to try to be civil with each other, which is good cuz I still want him in my life one way or another. so if their are any hot single boys reading this IM SINGLE and ready to mingle!!! hehe

My dad bought me a laptop yesterday. It's so cute, im so excited. Now I can be all "trendy" and go to coffee shops and play on my laptop lol.

I have been so busy lately. Busy is good though. I can't wait for this summer I think it's going to be awesome! I just got 4 new books, I wish I could find the time to read them. Jess and I decided were gonna go to a park sometime soon and just sit there and read. Im looking forward to that.

Well I have nothing real interesting to say so if you are disappointed by this post then suck it haha.

I stopped talking to "you know who" about a week ago. I blocked him and everything. I was so proud of myself because I stuck to it and didn't give in to temptation. I didn't call him, text him, or unblock him for the whole week.

Nick and I went to rj's on tuesday. It was fun I got pretty drunk. Funny thing happened though... A boy that "you know who" hung out with was there. I thought he was giving me nasty looks all night long. Well it turns out, that when nick got home and talked to "you know who" a night or 2 later, and told him about this, the boy had told "you know who" that he thought I was hot, and wanted to have sex with me. hahahahahaha I thought that was great!

So yea then a few days ago "you know who" calls me, drunk, but non the less he called me. He told me how much he missed me, and loved me, and it was so cute (even if he was drunk...). Then before he could even finish talking to me his friends grabbed the phone from him and hung it up (because they hate me), and hid it from him the rest of the night... sweet friends huh... LOL

Well anyways I had the geneseo show on saturday. Oh my god... Yea it was bad. The sound system wouldn't work right, the cds just kept stopping in the middle of numbers. Oh it was terrible. But the crowd of maybe 22 people, were really good. They really seemed to have a great time. So who cares if everything else sucked, at least we did what we came to do, and that was to show everyone a good time.

After the show I got a hold of "you know who" and he came over so we could have a talk about everything thats been going on. It was really nice to see him. We had a nice conversation and went to bed. The next day we spent all morning and afternoon together. We cuddled for most of the day, then took a walk down park ave and got lunch. Mind you the whole time we walked we were holding hands, no one shouted fags at us or anything, it was a really awesome thing. I have always been way to scared to show affection in public for fear of a hate crime, but it's park ave for godsakes lol. Anyways he bought me lunch, which was so cute, he orderdd it for me and everything. He was a perfect gentlemen all day, opening doors, closing doors, everything... It was so sweet. One of the best days we have shared with each other since we met. I think he has finally realized how much we click, and how well we compliment each other. It's seems like everyone has been trying to tell us the opposite, but when we are alone we know we work. It's just..... Perfect and so comfortable.

Of course one of my "friends" completly fliped his shit when he found out I hung out with the boy. All my other friends were scared for me getting hurt again, but trust me enough to know I am following my heart and that I am making the right decision for me. He on the other hand had to verbally bashed me online. Bringing up things that were completely inappropriate and really just painful to hear. He keeps saying I involved him to much and I made him to involved. But I am sorry I disagree with that. A good friend knows when to get involved and how involved to get. They keep a certain boundary. He on the other hand always wanted to know every detail, evey little thing, always had a remark, or a comment for eveything. A good friend knows how to listen and only comment when totally necessary and when it's called for. All my other friends did that and it hasn't caused and problems. He didn't do that and is now trying to blame it all on me. Well sorry But im not to blame, and if he doesn't get that than that's his own problem. I do thank him for all the times he was there and when I needed him, but in no way am I at fault for him being mad at me and verbally bashing me online. When he decides to apologize for all the awful hurtful things he said to me than we can be friends again, but no way in hell do I have anything to apologize for. What kind of a friend even gets mad at them for hanging out with an ex, obviously your to involved, it's my lif and I can, and will make my own decisions. If they arn't the right ones than I will learn from them, and be able to grow from them. Thats why we all mistakes isn't it? It's called LIFE, get one.

I can't wait for Wednesday, Im having a cocktail night with the boy. We only drank together like once, or twice, and it wasn't just him and I. So were gonna have a cute little night of cocktails, playing cards, watching movies, listening to music, and prolly some other things too :) LOL. I can't wait! Then Thursday I am on at Tilt for my last show till the end of June. I need to take a break for awhile.

Im off to start my new book "white Oleander". It was part of Oprah's book club, and since i swear by every word Oprah says, I also swear by every book she reads.

Yesterday I woke up not wanting to do anything, but I had to go to work. I got in such a better mood at work and on my way home from work I just kept playing this one song. It just made me in such an amazing mood. I don't know why but it did. Here are some of the lyrics...

"It is the passion flowing right on through your veins
And it's the feeling that you're oh so glad you came
It is the moment you remember you're alive
It is the air you breathe, the element, the fire
It is that flower that you took the time to smell
It is the power that you know you got as well
It is the fear inside that you can overcome
This is the orchestra, the rhythm and the drum

It is the soundtrack of your ever-flowing life
It is the wind beneath your feet that makes you fly
It is the beautiful game that you choose to play
When you step out into the world to start your day
You show your face and take it in and scream and pray
You're gonna win it for yourself and us today
It is the gold, the green, the yellow and the grey
The red and sweat and tears, the love you got. Hey!"

Yea so, it's amazing and the beat is just awesome. SO yea I come home and I am in this just awesome mood. Then you know who hasta purposefully ruin it. Like he tried at first to get me in a bad mood and it wasn't working. But than he had to just keep pushing and viola' he succeeded. I just can't have people like that in my life right now. They have far to many of their own problems and hang ups, and they just always seem to get me down. I am so excited about my life and where it's headed and nobody but myself can take me on that wonderful journey. It's hard enough to get there on my own, and I can't have all the negative "speed bumps" around me to bump me off course. So I had to make a very very very hard choice and just decide I can't speak to those kinds of people anymore. I feel sorry for him, hes headed in a very bad direction in his life and the whole time we dated I kept trying to help him in the right direction. But nobody can do that for you no matter how hard they try, it's something that person needs to do on their own. So as hard as it was I just had to let go.

In other news my cat joesaphine died a couple nights ago. She had something like a liver shunt or something. I am not good with death so of course I can't deal with it when it happens, so I just don't think about it. I know thats not healthy but yea, I just can't deal with it.

My schedule for the next 2 months is insane! I have something basically on every day of the week and I am going to be a stressed out mess. Keeping busy is very healthy though and I think it's going to be the best thing for me at this point in my life.

I am almost done reading the book "don't kiss them good-bye". It is amazing, it's by Allison Dubois and I suggest you all read it. Well Im off to drink some tea and get ready for work. "It is the gold, the green, the yellow and the grey
The red and sweat and tears, the love you got. Hey!" Love it!!!!

Well I have so much I want to say, So where should I begin. Lets start out with yesterday.

Well Nick came over and he picked me up, then we had to go get his mommy from work. So then she droped us off back at my apartment and we got in my car went out. First we went to the mall to go boy shopping, since we are both poor and can't shop for real things. I Bought a shirt that says "save water shower together" I thought it was cute :). So I couldn't fight the temptation of the pretzel place so yea had to go there. Then We went to the fruit and salad company cuz it's amazing in there and I love it. I bought Nick some brocolli and cream soup cuz he had no money and I felt bad just eating in front of him, and I love him so I didn't mind buying him soup. So then we left the mall because we had to meet Lori at TGI Fridays so we could talk to her manager about maybe working there. Nick and I need a job cuz we are poor, And I love money more than anything in the world. Lori gave us free cocktails because she loves us and we love her. We talked to PAolo a little bit, and everyone there seems really cool so I am kinda hoping I work there part time. It seems like a fun laid back place to work.

So after we left the mall I decided to take Nick over to my friend jessicas for a lil surprise vist. I love jessica more than life and I really wanted Nick to meet her. So we hung out there for a little bit and after making fun of everyone on myspace we left. Nick went home and changed and got his car and everything and I made him dinner cuz I am Bree VanDeCamp (as so many of my friends have pointed out to me lol). So Yea nick and I started drinking and then went to tilt. It was pretty busy, but of course I was pretty drunk so I wasn't really into it. Also of course I was thinking about 'You know who' the entire time. Yea so then of course I started crying AGAIN, cuz apparently I'm an emotional mess these days. So Danae took me in the back room and took care of me while I was crying hysterically, and all the queens were really nice and giving me eye drops and stuff cuz they were completely blood shot aka I looked like a giant MESS.

So I got home and called 'you know who'... earlier that day I had talked to him online and said a lot of mean things, I was trying to get him to get mad at me so he just wouldn't talk to me anymore because obviously I'm not strong enough to just not talk to him. He knew this cuz the whole time I was saying all these awful mean things to him (that I now feel horrible for) he just kept saying he loved me, and that he knew I was just saying these things for the reason I stated a moment ago, and so on, and so forth..... Well then he decides to share these ims with a person he told me he hated and talk about horribly behind her back. So I don't know of all people in the world why he would tell her. So of course she is like the biggest trouble maker/liar/gossip queen/dramatic person in the world. So she instantly has to write a live journal entry bashing me. She seriously knows nothing about my realtionship with 'you know who', so she shouldn't be getting involved. Not to mention 'you know who' lies a lot, and they got in a big fight about him lying to her like a year ago, so why would she (if she had a brain) listen to a single word that comes from him mouth. She has the audacity to call me immature when she still lives with mommy, works at a book store (LOL), does 4 community theater shows at once (who even has that much time?), and almost all of her friends are like 4 years younger than her. Yea bitch try calling me immature again. As 'you know who' put it "she only uses her diabetes to get attention and sympathy". And as I am gonna put it, no one likes you bitch, and the only reason people talk to you is beacuse they pity you. Also to address us being "freinds" at one point, no never happend, I was cordial to you, and that was all. I dont know you from the gum under my shoe, wait actually come to think of it I know and like the gum better. If you wanna talk shit about me on live journal sweet checks, I'm gonna do the same. You fucked with the wrong queen hunny.


So yea I feel really silly and stupid for saying all that stuff, but if those kinda of people wanna bash me on live journal (which is like the lamest thing ever) than im gonna do it too. Fight fire with fire right? 'you know who' just told me to be the bigger person, but ya know what, fuck it, im sick of always being the bigger person, im gonna act just like her for one second. So she can see how it feels to have people talk shit about you in an open forum for everyone to see........ So think twice when you wanna do it again, cuz it hurts peoples feelings, I wouldn't expect you to know how that feels considering you apparently have none.

Anyways im totally gonna be disgusted by this entry soon enough. So im just gonna stop writing in it before I go off again.

Oh and P.S. I know that 'you know who' had this pact with you about not having sex or something (I don't know who even makes packs like that cuz I feel like that the most immature thing I have ever heard), But I fucked him after like 5 days of knowing him :) Oh and hunny hes never gonna go straight for you so stop dreaming. It's called reality, try it sometime.

Well it's after 2am and I don't know what i'm doing up. My sweetest cat turned jaundice (spelling?) tonight. Oh joesephine. Seriously, could I have a worse month. I have to asume that this is a test of some sort. I have really had the worst two months of my life.... I just can't figure it out. Anyways I am drunk so I shouldn't be talking on here. Goodnight!

So where to start... I haven't had a journal to write in, in some time. So many things have happened lately. I guess I should just start from the beginning of this year (jan 06). Well I'm working at Pittsford Dance Studio, I quit the Studio out in webster... The bosses girlfriend (yes shes gay) threatend to bash my face in, which was lovely (being sarcastic) LOL. So I got out of that situation.

I Moved to an apartment on the corner of Park and Goodman. I love this area, it's so close to everything, and surprisingly quiet. I Do wanna move though because the apartment is just a bit small for me and my cats. I talked to my dad a couple days ago and apparently hes going to buy me a house. The only catch is I hafta live with my sister... I am just so used to living alone, but I guess if I have to live with anyone, it would be my sister.

I signed up for MCC yesterday. I haven't been in school in so long. I'm scared, nervous, all that stuff. At the same time though I'm so excited to start a new chapter of my life. I just gotta take some test, and apply for financial aid, so we will see if I can be ready to start in the fall.

I just got out of a 2 month relationship. For all of you who know me well, I haven't been in a relationship in almost 2 years... I sorta turned myself off from feeling those kinds of "feelings" again. Then I met this person who we shall call "Fake". "Fake" came into my life and swept me off my feet. He was so wonderful at first and I kept saying he was too good to be true (I later would find out he was). So "fake" Came into my life and made me feel things again, things I haven't allowed myself to feel in years. I felt so wonderful. It was the first time in a very long time I was excited to get up in the morning. I couldn't wait to talk to him, and see him, and It was just a feeling I can't describe, one I didn't think I was capable of feeling again. Well to skip all the details cuz I don't want to get to into it, We broke up, "fake" randomly decided he wasn't ready for a relationship. Blah... I have so much I want to say about this person but, I'm still so emotionally attached to him, it wouldn't be smart for me to talk about him at this time.

So hmmmm what else to fill you in on. I guess I should talk about my cat obsession... LOL... I now have 4 Pedigree Ragdoll cats. I'm going to start breeding them soon. I'm so excited! I love my cats and for anyone who isn't a pet person then you wont understand what I'm about to say, But my cats have gotten me though some tough times lately. I don't know what I would do without them. They just love you no matter what mood your in, how you look, how you feel, it doesn't matter, they are always there.

I am going to try my hardest to update at least once a week. I apologize now for any drunk entries. They are bound to happen LOL. Make sure to leave me some comment, and add me as a friend! HOLLA!

Okay I have started a new journal. I have an old one, but it's got some things in there that I don't want people seeing anymore. Anyways I promise to make a great effort to update this.